Entering My 40s… A Little Reflection.

I’m sitting by the window with a glass of wine, dog cuddled up beside me, celebrating the last day of my 30s! Tomorrow will mark 40 full years of life on this wonderful planet, 40 years of this wild ride of being a human.

I’m not normally particularly nostalgic – I’m more of a ‘live in the moment’ or ‘look to the future’ kind of person – but I don’t want to let a whole decade of life pass into the realm of memory without at least a little reflection. 

And, goodness, what a decade it’s been! It deserves a little love.

So, let’s rewind ten full years, and remember what it was like to be turning THIRTY. It was a pivotal time of my life, where I consciously made some big changes that ultimately put me on the path to where I am now…. Happy.

I think any ‘big birthday’ spurs one into action a little, so as I approached thirty I checked some bucket list items off my list: training in a Muay Thai boxing camp in Thailand for a month, for example. But it also came with the big questions of ‘Where is my life going? Where do I WANT it to go?’ Honestly? I had no idea (still don’t!). But I knew it was time for change. I was living on a tiny island in Indonesia at the time, having arrived there seven years earlier, ‘just for a month’. I remember thinking I’d spent my entire 20s on that 4 mile island: I’d loved every second of it, but I didn’t want the next decade of my life to pass in exactly the same way. The world’s simply too big for that.

So, two weeks after celebrating my 30th birthday in epic fashion (a steampunk party like the island had never seen before!), I left. 

With just shorts, t-shirt and flip flops, I left behind my dream life on a paradise island and headed to Nepal to solo trek in the Himalayas for a month. That was as far as my plans went. After that, I truly had no idea where life was going to take me, I’d just have to figure it out as I went along. As I entered my 30s  – the decade where you should really have life all figured out, right?! – I had zero clue what was going on, but I was EXCITED by the unknown path before me. Sure, it was a little scary – all the best stuff in life is – but it was exhilarating to feel, once again, that life could be ANYTHING I wanted! I’d always hated the idea of a life that could be mapped out 5, 10, 20 years ahead. Even if it was a dream life on a paradise island!

Well, as I embraced the new life I was attempting to create, I fully believe fate played a helping hand. A few months after Nepal, I found myself working in Honduras, on another little paradise island. And, a few more months after that, in comes Chad to change my world forever, and for the infinitely better. On the one hand, it feels crazy that almost the entirety of this decade has been spent with Chad by my side: fiercely independent 20-something-Vanessa never saw that coming. But on the other hand, how was there ever a world before him?! Time – and love – is funny like that.

Finding my soulmate in that very first year of my 30s was EVERYTHING. Prior to Chad, my life was so darned sweet on paper: scuba diver in the tropics, amazing friends, beautiful travels etc. But I was painfully lonely and it all felt just a little futile on my own. Chad brought meaning to my life. Without any real discussion – just a simple sense of knowing – we merged our lives’ trajectories and set out on a new path together.

We began by setting off on a 3 month trip across Honduras, Guatemala and Mexico: a brave move for a couple who’d really only known each other for a few months at this stage! 

Soon after, that new path – with a few twists, turns and tangents – led us to Fiji, where we spent three glorious years working as cruise directors aboard the NAI’A, a world-class scuba diving liveaboard.  

There simply aren’t words for those years. 

Of course, there were tough times: navigating cyclones, managing crew and guests through the more challenging charters, living with 30 other people in a small space 24/7… But ultimately, Fiji was a time of the purest JOY, a deep happiness I’d wish for everyone to experience at some point of their lives. Diving the most colorful reefs imaginable, singing and dancing with the infinitely warm Fijian people, swimming eye-to-eye with humpback whales every summer, enjoying months off to travel New Zealand…

You might ask why we ever left?!

Believe me, we ask ourselves the same question once in a while. But, ultimately our time there came to a natural end and we wanted to leave while we still adored it, while we knew we could have the happiest memories to look back on. 

Plus, in the final year of our time there, we got MARRIED and that seemed like a poignant time to move on to new things and build a different kind of life for ourselves.

Ahhhh, our wedding!! What an incredibly special time. We invited our nearest and dearest to South Africa for a wedding vacation: we took them to the Cape Winelands, we went to Kruger National Park together and, of course, we got married! We DIY-ed the WHOLE thing – which in hindsight was totally insane, but the Type A planner over here loved it – and I have so many fond memories of everyone and everything. 

I can’t help but smile when I think back to our wedding day: cliche as it sounds, it truly was PERFECT. Not perfect as in ‘dreamy flowers, stylish venue, enviable decor etc’… But perfect as in I remember how absurdly HAPPY I felt, just floating on a cloud all day long, and I remember how much my face hurt at the end of the day from grinning so hard! If I could relive just one day in my life again and again it would be that one. (Or maaaaaaaaybe swimming with humpback whales, tough choice!!). And if I could bottle a feeling to take a little dose of when times are tougher, it would be the feelings from that day. 

So, at this stage I’m 35 and we’re leaving NAI’A to start over yet again! What on earth comes next?

Well, this is actually the birthing phase of The Outlovers! After planning our own small wedding, and having such an incredible time, I started wondering why more people weren’t just having FUN on their wedding day?! I wanted to help people create wedding experiences they were genuinely excited about. After much brainstorming, researching, and asking ourselves ‘how the heck do we….?’ Chad and I decided to start our own business, planning and photographing outdoor elopements.

This all coincided with a move to the US. We ultimately knew we wanted to work towards a shared passport, so we’d always have at least one country we could both legally live in long term if and when needed. Scotland just wasn’t an option – I simply CANNOT with the rain – and so, by default, the US it was. 

But guess when we moved to the US? 

February 2020.

Yup, the WORST possible timing. Little did we know the world was about to shut down just weeks after us arriving, with the grand plan of traveling around for a year until we found a place to call home.

But, as life has a funny way of doing, it all worked out for the best. Sure, we ended up living with Chad’s parents whilst in our mid 30s: not exactly the plan, despite them being the best in-laws I could ever ask for. But we also found ourselves with a lot of spare time, with nowhere to go and nothing to do. Which meant we worked our butts off on the backend of this still-hypothetical business! By the time the world returned to something like normal and we could realistically look at launching The Outlovers for real, we’d built some really solid business and marketing strategies and done all the groundwork in terms of website, writing blogs, mapping out social media. We were ready to hit the ground running and I honestly think it’s a big reason why we have a successful business today. So, thanks Covid!

After a year of living with family, it was time to get back on our own two feet. So, on January 1st of 2021 we moved to Fruita, Colorado, having never visited, simply on the advice of an acquaintance who thought we might like it. Ohhhhhhhh, were they spot on! We soon fell in love with this quirky little town and, less than six months later, we bought our first house!!! 

Buying a house was a BIG step for me: not because it was a life goal that I was checking off, actually quite the opposite. As someone who thrived on not having roots, someone whose entire life could fit inside a backpack, someone who could hit the road with a moment’s notice, the thought of being tied to a pile of bricks stuck in one exact space had long seemed nauseating to me. Uggggh, the thought of cookie cutter houses all lined up next to each other, with their perfect little yards, and perfect decor by the doorway legit gave me the heebie jeebies. In addition to that, I PRIDED myself on being a bit of a nomad: buying a house seemed like some sort of failing.

And yet…. The second I walked into this pile of bricks (less than an hour after it went on the market), I knew it was home. I truly believe in the Universe placing what you need directly in front of you and you simply needing to open your eyes and be willing to see it. This weird little house, with its total lack of right angles, with its wonky floors and its cozy little nooks was exactly what I needed. Even if I hadn’t acknowledged it yet, I’d reach a phase in my life where I actually wanted to place some roots. I wanted a place to call home.

But what’s a home without a family?

Chad and I had long known we weren’t having kids, by choice: it simply wasn’t an idea we placed any value on. But, once again, the Universe provided us with exactly what we needed… Bula and Laya, our two little rescue pups that we love like any parent loves their child. The four of us are a family, and I treasure every day we get to share together.

So, where are we now? I’m 36 at this stage I think? And settled, in a way I never thought I would be. The years from then till now have been fairly ‘samey’ and, when I once thought that would kill me, it’s turned out to be quite lovely. There have been plenty of adventures – Patagonia, Iceland, Ecuador, Belize, Costa Rica (I hit my aim of traveling to 40 countries by 40!) – and there has also been a lot of ‘ordinary’, a lot of just ‘normal’. But when life slows down, and some days start to look a little the same, there becomes space and time to grow and learn. I’ve found huge enjoyment in learning to ski (the only way I can survive winter is by finding a way to have fun outdoors) and hitting some major personal fitness goals. I’ve also found satisfaction in things I previously ridiculed, like home improvements and crafty projects.

Is life perfect? No. Or maybe it is? Depends on how you judge ‘perfect’. Do I have people I love and who love me? Yes. Do I live in a place surrounded by natural beauty that I thrive on? Yes. Do I get to enjoy all sorts of exciting travels and adventures that give my soul butterflies? Also yes.

So maybe life IS perfect? Or as perfect as it’s ever going to be.

And I think that’s what it comes down to really. I’ve spent my entire life chasing ‘more’ and ‘better’, always wondering what’s next, what’s new, how can I beat this.

It’s only in recent years that I’ve started to slow down and smell the roses. And I hope my 40s will see me sink deeper into that pleasure.

Afterall, there truly is only the NOW! And, really, in so many little ways – when I remember to actually look – the now is ohhhhhh so perfect.

And so, here we are, hours away from turning 40.

How do I feel about it?

F-ING FANTASTIC!

I simply do not buy into our society’s fear-mongering about growing older and its creepy infatuation with eternal youth. 

We age. We’re meant to age. It’s a damned privilege to age. Not everyone gets to.

I’ll admit I’m as guilty as the next person, sometimes looking in the mirror, recoiling at the gray hairs and the wrinkles, and wondering who that person is. It’s hard not to, when it’s drilled into us from such a young age that only ‘flawless’ is beautiful. But I quickly remind myself that every single one of those wrinkles is a marker of a life well lived, that each groove is packed with love and laughter. More than that, those gray hairs? They’re not even ME anyway! They’re simply a part of the lovely vessel carrying me around for this lifetime, for which I give thanks. And, truly, a culture that wants to assess a human being’s worth by the body and not by the soul is not one I care to buy into.

And so I WELCOME my 40s and the adventures I know they’ll bring!

What comes next for me? What will these years hold?

Ultimately, I don’t know and I don’t want to know. I love the beauty of life unfolding before me.

Do I have moments where I doubt my life choices?! Of course I do. Never Chad. Never the doggos. But living in the US in a society that often makes no sense to me? Yeah, that can be hard. But it’s got so many plusses that I choose to focus on, for now anyway. It’s not forever. Chad and I both know we’ll return to the ocean one day. We don’t know when, where or how but we know it’s where we’re supposed to be. So, until that day, I’ll enjoy the heck out of the desert and the mountains!

Do I sometimes panic when I think about how our business might play out in the coming years?  1000000% yes. It could collapse tomorrow. People might decide we’re too old for their young and trendy selves. But if that happens? We’ll start over with something new. We’ve done it before, we’ll do it again! And we’ll embrace the opportunities. A blank slate is both terrifying and exciting. 

Do I once in a while freak out wondering what my life’s purpose is? Guilty. Every personal development book out there insists you’ve got to find your ‘why’ in order to find happiness. Without it you’re doomed to misery. But what if my why is simply to enjoy this planet and all its beauty? To slow down and appreciate the magic in the everyday. Or to love our doggos each and every moment I can? Does it really have to be bigger than that?

I think, in conclusion, all I wish for in my 40s is a greater acceptance and appreciation of the magic in the day to day. To find satisfaction in what others might judge an already incredible life, rather than constantly striving for more and better. I hope to keep my mind and heart open and allow the Universe to present what I need when I need it, rather than trying to map it all out for myself. On the flip side, I still crave grand adventures and lots of them! I’ll never tire of traveling, it feeds my soul like nothing else can. Seeing new landscapes and encountering new wildlife will never grow old.

So, I guess, ultimately, I’ll strive for a life of balance: pleasure in the mundane, and thrilling adventures aplenty!

Thanks for reading! I’d love to hear your thoughts in the comments.